[bell dings]
- Carm.
Carm.
Shit.
Stupid fucking...
[man giggling]
Carm, I'm not playing.
- Shit.
[man giggling]
Carm.
- Red Falcon, this is Blue Dildo.
My cover's been blown.
- Carm, I said meet me downstairs in five minutes.
It's 20 minutes later, what are you doing?
- Dude, Charlie's everywhere.
Can you hear the choppers?
Get your ass down.
- Carm, I have a final tonight, okay?
I don't have time to dick around.
- Dude, relax, man.
They're in a meeting with all the Sales Reps.
Five minutes.
Did you see?
- I'm gonna give you five seconds.
- Come on.
- Five...
- Leave me here, man. - Four...
- Ant, just leave me here.
- Three... - Go on without me.
- Two...
One. - Come on.
[screams]
- Ow.
Why you hitting yourself, man?
Stop hitting yourself.
- Hey.
- Oh!
- Hey.
I thought you two had a wall to wall in Port Jeff.
- I told you, asshole.
- Ow.
Ant started it.
- When are you gonna grow up, huh?
- Whoo, dudes!
Let me think about it.
- Hey, boys, you got 48 of the Wonder Weave
and 26 of the stain guard.
- Heavy.
Ya-ha-ha-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
- Really, Uncle Jack, you got us in three?
- If you don't like it, you can walk.
Come on, keep moving.
You're like two clowns over here.
- [laughs]
Where are we putting this?
- Shove it up your ass.
I don't care.
I'm up. No, I was up.
- [coughs]
Oh, my frickin' knee is killing me.
- Anthony Marconi.
- First in the family, baby.
Whoo!
[cheering]
- Hey, grandpa, come on.
- I'm eating.
- Have something to eat for god's sake?
- By your brother, by your brother.
That's the boys.
- Don't stop, come on.
[laughter]
Anthony, stop it.
- Anthony, come on.
- I'm Joe Conte, Sr., Long Island's carpet king.
Hey, Joe, Jr.,
Tell 'em why I'm so excited.
- Jesus, I mean, would you believe this nonsense?
- Big summer sale!
- Berber was $8.99.
Get out of here!
- Now, it's $5.99!
- This is fuckin' stupid.
- Hey, watch your mouth.
- He's right, though.
They're throwing their money away on that baloney.
- Don't forget about our weekly specials.
- What do we got this week, grandma?
- Shag. - Grandma my ass.
I saw her in a beer commercial last week.
- Yeah.
- Just wasting money. - Garbage.
- I don't know, gramps.
They must be doing something right.
I mean, they got two new stores.
Maybe we should start thinking
About doing some "P" and "M" ourselves.
- "P" and "M"?
- Promotions and marketing, what I went to school for?
- All right, I'll do it. - Carm.
- Jerry, what I tell you?
The big college degree,
and now we're never gonna hear the end of it.
- Dad, I'm just saying, you move beans into the field--
- I'm not working with that jag off.
- Come on, Anthony, you know we need you out there.
You're the best installer we got.
- Yeah, yeah, you've been telling me since I was 16.
- Hey, I banged for 25 years, and I had you two brats
while I was out there with the kicker and the trim.
- Complain, complain.
You hear that?
Plastic.
- Dad, I'm just saying,
I know what I'm talking about.
This is what I went to school for.
- Anthony, okay, do me a favor.
It's a party.
Not now, okay?
[voices overlapping]
- No argument, let's celebrate.
Everybody outside.
- The leg, watch the leg.
- Come on, everybody outside.
Everybody.
Anthony, come on.
Come on. - Come on.
- Hi.
Listen.
Don't sweat it, man.
Oh!
Party's over.
- Where's the clamp?
It ain't over there.
Carmine, where's the clamp for this?
- Oh, Dad, I think I ate it.
- Hey, I'm telling you, you're smoking pot up there,
I'll throw you out the fuckin' window.
Anthony!
Who's the one who wanted a pool?
No, I've been doing it by myself,
and I don't mind,
But I need help now.
Anthony!
[doorbell plays Bridal March]
- Hello, Mr. Burns?
- Let's just sneak in the back.
We got to get out of here, man, just like freakin' Fusco did.
Goes out to Maine,
now he's hauling two, three grand a week.
- What do you know about lobster?
- What's to know, man?
You go out, you drop the trap, you haul 'em in.
I hear it's all you can eat too, you know,
lobster bisque, lobster salad.
Think about it, man, lobster foo young,
lobster frickin' foo young.
- Will you just hold up your end of the load, please?
[together] One, two, three.
- Shit.
- Oh, shut up.
- [whistling]
Echo.
- # la la #
# la la-la la #
# la-la la #
# la la-la la la #
# la la-la la la la la #
# no truth #
- # if all the girls are clean #
# then one's a skank #
- # I got stacks of benjamins piled up in the bank #
- # busting off caps like an M-1 tank #
- # boogie downs and dangers don't get out of that place #
- # I rock the body don't care about the Bass #
- # society's not my problem fuck-- #
- Hey, asshole, when are you gonna get
the padding from the truck?
- Ho!
- 42 inches, man.
- Dolby Surround.
That's what I'm talking about!
- Please leave your name and wedding date after the beep.
[electronic beep]
[indistinct recorded speech]
- Ooh.
You dirty old snogger.
- Hi. - Hi, how are you?
- I'm okay.
- Everything came out beautifully.
- What the hell is that?
- That's perfect.
- # once in a lifetime #
- Oh, my god.
- We were set up on a blind date by my sister
and her best friend's husband, who works with Brian.
And he walked in the door of the restaurant,
and I-I kind of had this really crazy feel--
- Boo!
- # just once #
- Ant!
Ant!
- What do you want?
- Come down here, man.
- What are you doing down there?
- Hello.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Dude, do a little dance for me.
- Can you put that away, please?
What are doing touching that?
- Dude, check this out, man.
You look like a freakin' movie star.
- Yeah, it's out of focus, Einstein, real nice.
- For the record,
when's the last time you got laid?
- All right, give me that.
- Come on, man.
- Give it to me.
- But get me from my good side.
Ow.
- It's pretty nice.
- I know.
This place is like a frickin' movie studio over here.
[dog barking]
- All right.
Relax.
Yeesh.
Stay out of the ivy, you bastard.
- [laughing]
That's a sweet one.
- Ready, one, two...
[snorts]
[laughter]
- Hey!
- Oh, god.
- Hey!
Hey.
Who the hell's down here?
What the hell?
[lively music plays]
Get up! Get up!
Get out here, you sons of bitches!
Spread eagle!
Down! Down! Down!
[music stops]
What the hell are you doing here?
- We're the guys from the carpet store.
- I don't give a shit who you are.
What the hell are you doing here?
- I was just looking for the--
- Hey, where'd that come from?
- This, I picked that up.
- I know where it came from.
You don't touch, you hear me?
- Yeah.
Ah!
- What's your boss' number?
What is the number?
The number!
- Um, it's 555...
5...
5...5.
But let me talk to him, because--
- Get back down there!
All right, you want to play games, huh?
You want to play games?
I got a game for you.
It's called 911.
- No, sir, please, please, please don't.
Please, please.
We have a perfectly good reason for being down here.
- There is no good reason, pal.
- Okay, but just hear me out, okay?
Just hear me out, please,
and then if you're not satisfied,
you can do whatever, okay?
Two minutes.
[electronic beep]
- We're sorry.
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
- Okay, see, what happened was,
this morning, our father Mr. Marconi...
- Mr. Marconi.
- He's--he's the boss.
And he calls us into his office, and he says,
"Boys, I want you to shoot a commercial for the store."
- Right, it's on account of Conte Carpet.
They got this ad campaign, and they're really killing us.
- Right, and we came down here, and we saw all the stuff,
and granted, we may have gotten way ahead of ourselves.
- You're damn right you did.
- But we see you have the best equipment here, the best.
- Absolutely, man.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Like, you got the cameras with three chips
and the DVD-VHS high-speed duping and the--
- Dubbing.
- That's what I said, man.
- It's called-- - Right.
And you don't touch.
You see that baby over there?
Not even on the market yet.
- I know, I know, I know, he keeps telling me.
He's like, "this stuff isn't even in stores yet."
- It's very cool.
Yeah, but we're impressed.
- Oh, yeah.
You're totally high-tech here, man.
- Yeah, well, I-I upgraded to HD.
- Yeah.
I bet this bad boy right here,
he probably set you back more than a few nickels, huh?
- That bad boy can do over 3 million wipes.
- We're very impressed.
- Very impressed.
- There's, you know,
already a few ideas we've been working on, right, Carm?
- Oh, yeah, quite a few.
- For example.
- Picture a boxing ring, okay?
It's made entirely out of carpet.
Hmm.
Now you bring our dad in who's dressed like a boxer.
He's got the teeth guard, okay?
He's got the head gear, USA shorts, gloves, you know?
Don't tell me.
Ka-boom, he knocks out the competition, right?
- That's very good, yes.
That's very good.
- Palermo Pools did it in '98.
- No way. Really?
- Thank you, baby.
Video by Luis.
Yeah, Sasha. - How you doin'?
- It's this weekend.
- I'm Carmine. This is Anthony.
- Ugh.
- Sasha, you're really hanging me out to dry here.
Yes, of course I need you, you stupid friggin' polack.
You're not Polish, are you?
Oh, what am I talking about?
Macaroni, right?
You free this weekend?
- This weekend, yeah, yes.
- Actually, we have a big sale going.
- No, no, don't you be sorry, Sasha.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever hired
you two friggin' assholes in the first place!
Are you sure?
Because I could really make it worth your while.
- Yeah, we're sure.
Hey, Pop.
- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing with that?
- We're building a robot.
- What, is that the computer from the store?
- Hey, Anthony.
I got my inventory on that.
Is that the computer from the store?
- We'll have a few beers, loosen up a little bit.
- Carm, this is work.
This ain't a party.
- I know, but you got to be open to my ideas, all right,
and relax.
- I'm relaxed.
I just don't want this to take all year.
- How long could it take to top a grandma with the red sauce?
- He just came in; I'll get him.
John's on the phone.
- I'll call back.
- He'll call you back.
[knocks on door]
- What?
- I just brought you some dinner.
- Ma, we're busy. Ooh.
- So how's it go--
- You gonna let me do all the talking?
- Yeah, but let me pitch him the script, though.
- No, Carmine, don't say anything.
- Come on, man, it's my idea.
- I know, but I just want you to be serious, all right?
Please.
- Go get 'em, boys.
- Thanks.
Conte steals more and more of our customers
every day they run their ads.
Okay, look at their market share.
Uh, look at their market share in the month of October.
- This is it?
- Well, the way I see it is,
if we just get ten new customers, ten,
we're guaranteed to pay off the entire cost
within the first three months.
- Did you ever think of ad time, bozo?
It's not free.
I mean, what the hell do you guys know about video, anyway?
- Well, what I do know is--
Show him the market share, October.
Right?
Looks good.
Now show him February.
Marconi, Conte.
The Marconi-Conte comparison.
- This is--now, this is Marconi, and this is Conte.
And you see how the two balls are squishing us, Pop?
- Right.
- And now we show them May.
And the balls are huge.
- They're ready with that shipment to Farmingdale.
- I'm comin'. I'm comin'.
Okay.
- Jimmy, get these off the floor.
Bring 'em downstairs, do me a favor.
- Dad, now's the time we got to strike.
We got to hit up the airwaves, the cable, the internet,
the whole shebang.
- Hey, listen, we got an ad in the Newsday,
we got an ad in the Pennysaver,
and we got an ad in the Record, okay?
- In the Record?
That's a two-town newspaper, Pop.
That's not good enough.
- Yeah, and we got the team.
- The little league team, that's your big ad?
- Yeah, that's like having
25 little billboards running around.
All this crap's got to go with the Farmingdale Order.
- Dad, Dad, you don't get it, do you?
- Anthony, look, we're not trying
to take over the world here, okay?
This is a small family operation.
And someday, when you two guys are in charge,
you will understand, okay?
- What'd I tell you, man?
- Hey, you know what?
- What do you want now, Anthony?
- I quit.
- Anthony, you're talking nonsense.
- No, no, no, no, I quit.
- You quit?
Then you get your ungrateful ass out of here,
you hear me?
Go, get out.
You little brat!
- I'll talk to him, Dad.
Anthony!
You're the man, Ant.
You should have seen his face when you left, man.
Oh, god!
I love this guy!
- Stop! - What?
- I thought you were gonna keep your mouth shut in there.
- Dude, come on.
- Out of the road, moron!
- Hey, blow me!
Listen, listen.
Just give me one second here, all right?
One--three seconds.
- No, I don't want to give you anything.
- Where the hell are you going?
- I don't know.
I don't know why I let you drag me here.
- Dude, we'll get you-- let me handle this, all right?
- Yeah.
[ doorbell plays Bridal March ]
[dog barks]
[loud crash]
- Easy, Caesar, easy.
Down, Caesar.
- That's nice.
[barking]
- No, no!
No outside.
No outside, Caesar!
What is it, the carpet convention?
- Yeah, no, actually, this is about--
it's about the other thing.
- Oh, your spot, huh?
Down, Caesar, down.
Oh, the budget's okay?
Everything came through?
[barking]
- Yeah, no.
I'm actually...
talking...
about...
the other thing,
the other thing from the other night
that you were talking to me the other day.
- What other other thing?
- The Saturday thing.
Weren't you--weren't you looking for somebody?
- Hey!
[barking]
- Get in here.
All right, you wanted to go outside?
Now stay outside!
[laughs]
I'm--I'm sorry, fellas,
I booked a couple of guys from Bay Shore yesterday.
- What are you talking about, man?
- I'm all set for this weekend.
- Louie, come on.
- I'll tell you what.
If ever I'm in a pinch, I'll give you guys a ring.
Now, you have to excuse me.
I'm in the middle of a meeting with my secretary.
[barking]
- You didn't even negotiate.
- Negotiate?
- Carm, you didn't even give us a shot.
You didn't even try.
- Dude, he's got somebody, okay?
- You hit him back with a counteroffer.
It's a standard business procedure.
It's what you do.
- That's glass, chico.
That's glass, chico.
- Look, Carm, you said you can handle this.
Now prove it to me.
Yo.
Psst, Lou, yo.
Lou, over here.
Hey, how you doing?
- Are you on drugs?
[horn honking]
[barking]
- How much you--how much did you pay those new guys?
- Why?
- 'Cause we'll do it for half.
[voices overlapping]
- Who wants hot dogs?
- Uncle Jack, what do you think, huh?
- Ties are sharp, right?
- You look like a couple of waiters.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have an announcement we'd like to make.
- Announcement.
- We, that is, the honorable Carmine Francis Marconi...
- God, guys, come on, cut it out!
It's not a rental over here.
- And myself are starting new careers
in the video business.
- With Luis Burns.
- Who the hell is Luis Burns?
- He's the island's number one wedding and event videographer.
- Three years running.
- Number one.
- You never thought you had kids in the movie business, huh, Pa?
- Dominic, Dominic, Dominic.
You remember what we talked about last night.
- They don't want to work in the store no more,
that's fine, okay?
But they got to kiss the free room and board good-bye.
You hear me?
From now on, it's gonna be 500 bucks a month each.
Each.
- That's a frickin' rip-off, Pop.
- Oh, well--well, I'm sorry.
Then go live with your new friend there.
What's his name, Louie Burns, you new pal?
Is that the name, Luis Burns?
What's the matter with you?
- What do you mean, what's the matter with me?
Who wants what? You wanted a hot dog?
- You never learn nothing.
- You learn?
You go deal with them. Go ahead.
Good, go ahead.
Have a good time with them.
Big mouth.
- This is the best thing
that ever could have happened to us, okay?
- Three grand I'm out on this dump.
- I said I'm gonna pay you back for the broker's fee, all right?
What did I tell you?
- And the security deposit.
- Yes, yes, and the security deposit,
yes, yes.
What I tell you, man?
Uncle Lulu is gonna hook us up.
- What's that smell?
- Ant.
Ant, you know what that is?
- What? - Do you?
That's lobster foo young, man.
That's lobster frickin' foo young.
- Hurry it up!
Come on, let's go.
I haven't been late in ten years.
Get in the car.
Shut the door.
All right, listen there, you, Andrew.
You're in charge of the lights.
This is the signal for on.
This is the signal for off, you got that?
- Got it.
- Why don't you use your signal, you bastard?
- This is frickin' awesome.
- This means white card.
This means bring the ladder, you got that?
This--this means-- oh, yeah,
Go back and drive in Jersey, you son of a bitch!
- Go back to Jersey, you stupid fuck!
- Carm, this is serious.
- Dude, I'm establishing a repartee here.
- And you, jabber jaws.
You're on sound.
I want you to stay close, but not too close.
I want a lot of lead between me and the camera
and you and the boom mic.
You got that? - Aye, aye, Skipper.
- And fix your tie.
You look like Dean Martin on a bender.
[horn honks]
[tires squealing]
Let's go.
- Do you know what the signal for on is?
Is it the ear wiggle or the pumping fist?
- Dude, I think we get an entree at this thing.
- Mac!
- Carm, please put that away.
- No, but just what are you thinking?
You want the prime rib or the red snapper?
- [clears throat]
You are gonna be my eyes and my ears.
Everything you see, everything you hear,
I want to know.
Joanne, you're making me look so good here.
Wonderful job, darling.
The most important thing
is that you keep your head in the game,
because there are no take twos in this business.
You got it?
You screw up, you die.
It's that simple.
Come on, buddy boys.
- Yo, dude, two o'clock.
- I mean, is it that difficult?
My god.
Give me the camera.
Give me the camera, please.
Thank you.
- Flash is on. - Flash is on?
Loaded up? - Yep.
- Andrew, is that the one with the gear?
- I think so.
- What do you mean you think so?
You think so, or you know so.
I haven't got time for guessing games.
- Son, this is a holy altar here.
- I'm sorry, Father, that's my fault.
- Father, forgive them.
They know not what they do.
- Carmine, this is a trial run, you understand?
And I'm not going back to Dad's store
with my tail between my legs.
- I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- All right, good.
- I got you.
- You look good, man. You look good.
- Thanks, man, you're not bad yourself.
What about that--
- Listen. - Yeah.
- These are your wireless mics.
- Yes.
- And here are your batteries.
Now, I need you to go get the boom mic
and meet me outside in five minutes.
- Five minutes. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
- All right, thanks. - I got you.
And the gams,
the gams on that photography assistant, my god.
It's frickin'-- she's got this, like,
librarian thing going on.
I bet she's a firecracker in the sack.
Hi, how you doin'?
You guys know how to work these things?
- What a day, huh?
Try that.
- What a day, huh?
- Good, with more feeling, and you guys,
you guys, you dust him off as he says it, okay?
Go.
- What a day, huh? - That's good.
- What an asshole.
- Yeah, yeah, they laugh now.
But wait till they see the finished product.
Then it's gonna be all,
"Mr. Burns, how did you ever do it?
Oh, Mr. Burns, isn't that wonderful?"
- Yeah, real wonderful.
Like you didn't steal that shot directly from Bernie Shearer.
- Do me a favor.
Watch where you're going today, huh?
- Well, as long as you keep your lights out of my shot,
we're not gonna have a problem, are we?
- What are we talking about-- - First day, huh?
- What strobe, Lou?
This one, huh?
- She caught him with the coat check girl at Villa Barone.
- You wish I was 14, you two-timing son of a bitch.
- Wait, they were a couple?
- Ink's not even dry on the divorce.
- You can talk to my lawyer,
'cause I have got you on tape
with that Latino busboy from the Chateau Briand.
- Eduardo.
- Eduardo, my ass.
Consuelo, my ass.
- Come on, let's go.
- I'm all set, Lou.
- All right.
What a day, huh?
- Vicky, hey!
[voices overlapping]
- Over here, sweetheart.
You're panicked. You're scared.
I don't want to get married.
Forget him.
It's me you want.
You want me.
Who's your daddy?
- Smile, Honey.
- Who's a party girl?
Who's a nasty party girl?
What's your number?
Give me a pout.
I want a pout.
- Carmine, what the hell are you doing?
- What, man, they got a whole batch of these things inside.
- Carmine, will you put those back, please?
- Hey, listen to me.
If it wasn't for me,
you'd be home right now, reading the help wanted ads.
So leave me alone.
- Are you lecturing me right now?
- My lawyer says that I brought Caesar in,
I take Caesar out.
- Oh, yeah?
Where was your lawyer when Ceezy was making number two
on the living room shag, huh?
- I don't need you breathing down my neck
every two seconds, okay?
I got responsibilities now.
I got things to think about.
Hi, how are you?
- What about suppositories, huh?
Are you gonna shove them up his ass twice a day?
- All right, look, it's like I said.
I get the Benz, the mutt's yours.
It's your choice, really, Louie.
- Here she goes, here she goes.
- I'm Carmine.
- This is my homosexual brother...
- [laughs]
- Anthony.
He just got out of the closet.
Say--say, hello, Ant.
Hey.
- Mac and Jane, yes?
Got it?
- Nice to meet you.
- See you.
Why does he keep doing that? - Andrew!
- Carmine, that's his frickin' signal for the step ladder.
You didn't see?
- This is many things in many countries.
Dude, relax.
You're gonna break something, all right?
- That stepladder's crucial for his big exit shot.
- His what?
- Carm, his big exit shot, where he gets up high,
looks out over the guests.
- I'll get high and look over the guests.
Listen, just relax, man.
We got an hour here. We'll find it.
- Carm, you want to look for it, be my guest,
because I don't see it.
- Just--
you're talking about the one with the white stripe, right?
- Yes, the big one,
The one he told you to put in the truck,
the one I saw you holding in the driveway.
- 'Cause I was waiting for you to stuff the back seat.
Just give me a minute here.
[dog barks]
- Carm, you are about to catch the beating of a lifetime.
- Dude, take it easy, all right?
You can buy 'em for 20 bucks over at Cost Mart.
- And you're just gonna waltz out during the ceremony
and go buy one?
- Macaroni, chop chop!
- Just--just-- listen, just give me--
just--just back off, okay?
- Yeah, you got it all under control, don't you?
- Listen, for the last time, you worry about your job,
and I'll worry about mine, okay?
Mr. Big Boss man.
- Hey.
Finally.
[church bell ringing]
- Yo, Aldo, listen, I need you to get back to me right away.
911, baby, 911.
- Oh, excuse me.
Here.
That's good. That's good.
- Smile pretty.
- There you go.
Watch the mic.
Stay with me.
Watch the boom.
Get the boom out.
Oh, okay.
- Bless, o lord, this ring
to be a sign of the vows by which this man and this woman
have bound themselves to each other
through Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.
Repeat after me.
Vicky, I give you this ring...
- Vicky, I give you this ring...
- As a symbol of my vow...
[cell phone ringing]
- And with all that I am...
- And all that I have...
- And--and all that I have...
- I honor you... - I honor you...
[ringing continues]
- In the name of the father...
- And of the son... - And of the son...
- Aldo, buddy, I'm gonna call you back, okay, pal?
- Don't laugh, that's something been going on
20 years with that idiot.
- Ever consider maybe you're the idiot
for still working with him?
- Ready? One, two, three.
[grunting]
- Ow.
- Okay.
Sir, you, sir.
Could you move?
Move, move.
[grunting]
I can't move.
Wait a minute.
- Ow, ow.
Okay, no, no, no.
- Okay, hold on.
- No, this is not working.
Where is that friggin' stepladder?
- Just hold your horses, all right?
- You said that to me five minutes ago.
[horn honks]
- What does this moron want?
- Carmine!
- Okay, so this is the vision here.
You're gonna float up, like, I don't know, like, what,
like, 10, 15--
- Maybe 20?
- Maybe 20, 20 feet up in the air, okay?
And then you keep doing that.
But the most important thing is the timing here, right, Lou?
- Yes, right, right.
- Why couldn't you just have him buy a new frickin' ladder?
- What, are you crazy?
This shot's gonna get us on the 5:00 news.
- No, this shot is freaking stupid is what it is.
- What are you calling stupid?
It's ballsy.
I like it.
- You see that?
It's ballsy.
He likes it.
And maybe you should take notes.
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher.
Okay, hold right there.
Good, good, good.
Lou, you ready?
- I'm rolling.
- Aldo.
- Tell me when, buddy.
- Good man.
- All right, here they come.
- And... - They're coming.
- Action!
- All right, so--so,
I call this the Hollywood touch.
- Yeah, that's nice.
Put that on your demo reel.
- Demo reel?
I'm talking about the WVAS.
I'm gonna get my belt back.
Videographer of the year.
- Don't drop that cake.
- Hey.
Come here, come here.
Nice work.
You really showed me something out there.
- Well, thanks.
I mean, I saw the opportunity and I took it, you know?
- No, no, no, no, you listened to what I said.
You kept your ears and your eyes open.
Now, that's the ticket.
- Video by Luis.
- Nice work, video.
- Yeah, well, we got lucky.
- You get yourselves some hors d'oeuvres,
and make sure you eat good.
I don't trust this bastard.
Sometimes he skimps on the vendor meals.
- 10-4, Lou, 10-4.
- Hey, Trixie, Trixie.
Come here, come here, come here.
- I want you to get a photo of me and my new lift rig
for my website, all right?
- Sorry, Lou, I'm all packed up.
- Oh.
- Hey, try that on for size.
- Joe, I'm telling you, this kid is so on the ball.
- Let's go, put a little pep in your step.
- Video by Luis. - Thank you.
- Ooh.
I work with him.
What's going on with that girl?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- All right, Macaronis, it's show time.
Go!
- Vicky and Bobby!
- Where is he?
- I told you, asshole.
- All right, come on, come on, come on.
- You guys are related somehow?
- We're sisters.
- Get out of here.
- Sisters, Lou.
- All right, ladies and gentlemen,
Hope everyone is enjoying their salad.
In just a few moments--
- Holy shit.
- All right, at this point in time,
We need to get all the single ladies out here
onto the dance floor.
- Classy fuckin' joint.
Yeah, I'm a natural.
I'm thinking about doing commercials.
I'm thinking about doing maybe independent films.
I'm thinking about getting into--
- You know, I come from films.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah, I did a lot of movies first.
I was assistant director of photography
on a lot of the films that were done in New York.
I couldn't take the bull,
and that's why I more or less, yeah--
I more or less run into the--
- How you doin'?
- Out of my way, Vidiot.
- Have you two ever done any acting?
I could do some very special videos
That would include the two of you together.
- You got to try this cake here.
It's a coconut cream filling.
It's out of this world.
- Yeah, did you pick up the wheelchair from the truck yet?
- Anthony, you got to relax, man.
This is all good.
- No, Carm, it's not all good.
You know why?
Because you get to screw around
and have the time of your life,
and I'm stuck here doing all the work.
It's bullshit.
- Can we get him a Jack and coke, please?
What are you writing here?
Dildo guide to the galaxy?
- Give it back. I'm not done.
- "No cell phone.
"No flirting.
No drinking."
What the hell is this shit, man?
- If you and I are going to continue working together,
you have to start holding up your end of the load.
- Dude, did I or did I not just go out there
and blow the doors off of Lou?
- No, what you did, Carmine, was get lucky,
and that's it.
- Is that right?
- Either you sign this,
or you can move your stuff out of my apartment.
Look, this is not up for debate.
- I don't know, man.
I don't think this is gonna hold up in the court of law.
- Why not?
- I have a problem
with this hidden clause on the back here.
Maybe it's just me,
but I didn't think they had that sparkle on the altar.
- You okay?
- Just please, please tell me this thing's almost done.
- Bet you're missing that tile store now, huh?
- It was carpet, actually.
But, yeah, now that you mention it, I am.
- Let's go.
Let's get this cleaned up.
I need dishes. I need plates.
I need equipment.
What are we running over here?
Move it around, let's go.
Oh, oh!
Easy, easy.
[glass shatters]
- What's up with your boss?
She--is she sick or something?
- Mai Tai fever is more like it.
- Oh, that's nice.
She leaves you with all the work.
That's good.
- It's not that bad.
Actually, it's good practice, you know,
for when I go out on my own.
- You know, I could--
When you do that,
I could help you with your marketing.
- Oh, yeah?
You do a little-- do a little marketing?
- No, no, it's just--
it's what I went to school for.
- Oh, you went to college.
- Yeah, why?
Does that surprise you?
- No, I just thought maybe this was some kind of
work release program or something.
- I-I forgot your name already.
- No, you didn't.
Come on.
- I'm bad with names.
It's--it was--
just give me a second.
Uh...
Andrew.
- No, no.
Anthony.
Anthony Marconi.
- Yoo-hoo.
Hoo-hee-hee. [laughs]
Hey, come on, man.
We got to do that champagne shot.
- Why don't you do it?
- Because they need the two of us, that's why.
- Well, I'm busy.
- What?
You heard me.
- You gonna be a little baby now?
'Cause I didn't sign your stupid little napkin there?
There you go.
I'm sorry for everything I ever did for you
or to you.
- Look, you were right.
You got to worry about your job.
I'll worry about mine.
- This is bullshit, man.
We got, like, a dozen shots to knock off here.
- Hey, you're the boy genius, right?
You'll figure it out.
- Hey, don't make me come looking for you.
Will you come on?
Come on! - Better hurry up.
Uncle Lou sounds pissed.
Have fun. - Yeah, you have fun too.
- See you. - Yeah.
I got your number, chico.
- Yeah, well, I got yours.
- Hey, Trixie.
- [laughs]
- I'm going to get a drink; you want one?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Cut, cut.
We're gonna have to do
what they call a take two on this.
- Wait, I'm confused.
- Okay, it's, um, smile, clink, kiss, and hold it for five.
You got it?
- Wait, smile, clink, kiss.
- And hold for five.
[together] One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
- [laughs]
Oh, but that--no.
- What are you talking about?
- That wasn't even allowed because you pulled it.
- No, I didn't.
I was in the ring.
- You opened the fist.
- That was rope-a-dope.
That was rope-a-dope.
[laughter]
Come on.
[together] One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
- Let go.
- Hey, Romeo, your boss is looking for you.
- Thanks.
- I got to-- I'll see you tomorrow.
[horn honks]
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, what a ditz.
Ten takes on this one.
Oh, jeez.
- True.
But look at those sweet, sweet tee-tas.
- Forget about the tee-tas, you idiot.
Listen to that sound.
You hear that?
[static crackling]
- I'm sorry, no.
- Listen.
That is weak batteries in a wireless mic.
Now, what did I tell you?
- I'm sorry, Lou.
When in doubt, you change 'em out.
- Memorize that. - Never happen again.
- It better not, because I'm gonna need you two here
tomorrow morning at 11:00,
the same shoes, the same pants, the same shirt,
and don't forget those silver bow ties,
'cause that's the team look.
- So does that mean that we're on the team, Lou?
- Yeah, you're on the team.
All right, now, make sure you're up plenty early.
Come on, I'm gonna count up the money, let's go.
- A hundred. - A hundred.
- 115.
- Hundred papa.
- $200. - $200.
- You are a smart ass.
$250. - $250.
- $300. - $300.
- Stop imitating me. - Stop imitating me.
[crowd cheering]
- Oh, Carm.
- Timmy!
Fusco, you fuckin' prick!
[laughs]
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Dude, I'm sorry.
It's--it's--
I thought we'd throw a little, you know, soiree,
celebrate the big move.
You know, I--
- There's over 50 people here, Carmine.
He said we have an 11:00 A.M. job.
- We got time.
It's, like, a million hours from now.
- No, it's, like, 12 hours from now.
- It's actually, like, ten hours from now.
- What did we agree to?
I mean, our contract specifically states
that you'll be in bed before midnight at an A.M. job.
[knocks on window]
- Come on, Carmine, I'm getting wet.
- And god willing, I will be.
[crowd cheering]
- [screams]
[voices overlapping]
Good game, good game, good game.
- Oh! - Yo, Marconi.
A little privacy in here?
- Well, that's not gonna work on this girl.
- Why not?
- Because she's smart.
She's not like all your freaking bimbos.
- So why don't you ask her out on a frickin' date?
- I don't know, man.
What do you want from me?
You know I move slow.
Look how long it took me to leave the store.
Well, at least you did that, man.
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- So what?
So she's smart.
So what, man?
- She graduated top of her class at NYU.
- So you got that salutation thing from Crappy Johns.
- Salutatorian.
- That's what I said.
That's second place, man.
Your kids are gonna be, like, frickin' nerds.
Seriously, though, let's say, like,
you get hitched with this girl, and things work out,
I hope that you will consider--
still consider asking me to be your best man.
- Okay, Carm.
- For real, though, because
tonight at the wedding, I hated that.
You know, when the brother's there,
and he's in the groom's bridal party,
and--and, you know, some other jerk is the best man.
I-I mean, that's not cool.
You know, that's his frickin' brother.
- Carm.
- I want you to promise me.
I want you to promise me.
- Will you go to bed? - Promise.
- Will you go to bed?
- I'll go to bed. Promise.
- Okay, you can be my best man.
- Okay. - All right.
- Okay, okay.
But what about L.J.?
'Cause you--
- Go to bed!
- You guys were tight in high school.
- I see you're living like real kings over here.
- Dad, if you came over here to argue,
I really don't have time.
- Got any of that braciola from last Sunday?
- Oh, ho, ho, that's how you greet me?
The chicken you can just put in the microwave.
- You know, Anthony, I know you probably think
that I'm a royal pain in the ass, okay?
I mean, I thought my father was a pain in the ass,
and I'm sure that he thought
his father was a pain in the ass too.
- Great, we come from a long line of pains in the asses.
- Ooh. - How did it go?
- Oh, mommy.
- Carmine, how did--
- Oh, mommy.
- Would you stop doing that
and look at me for a minute here?
- What?
- Last night, I sat down with your uncle, you hear?
And we talked it over,
and we decided we'll let you two on the floor.
- Give me a kiss.
- Like an angel.
Like an angel of mercy.
- Where's your pants?
- Assistant Manager of Sales.
No more wall to wall, no more banging carpet.
And when it's slow, you can even do some of that--
That "A" and "P" stuff.
Okay?
What do you say?
- Hey, you're not even dressed yet?
- Relax, Ant, these things don't get started till noon.
[phone rings] - You want me to get that?
- What are we doing here?
Are we talking here or what?
- Dad, that's a really nice offer and all,
but this time we got to pass.
- Yeah, we got new careers now, Dad.
- Will you go in there and change?
- Marconi Video.
Carmine is not here right now.
- Anthony.
I'm two short in the field.
You guys don't come back by tomorrow,
I got no other choice.
I'm hiring some new guys.
- What the hell kind of message is that?
Macaroni, where in the damn hell are you?
I am at the church.
The bride's here,
and I'm short a couple of assholes.
- Fix your--
fix your--
- What's up, Lou? How you doing?
- What part of 11:00
don't you two brainiacs understand?
- I'm so sorry, Lou.
Traffic on the belt.
- The belt.
I'm gonna give you a belt.
Now, you get the light's started.
Go!
You, you're gonna need wireless mics,
because I'm gonna be stuck up in the rafters
because of that--that meat and potatoes monsignor prick.
Go. Wireless mics, wireless mics.
- Pamela and Joseph.
Today marks the beginning of a new adventure...
- Psst!
- An adventure that, god willing,
will take you through your life together.
- Listen, don't sweat it, man.
You got time, all right? - Shh!
- Pamela, repeat after me.
I, Pamela... - I, Pamela...
- Take you, Joseph...
- To be my lawful wedded husband.
[static crackling]
- For poorer.
- Richer or for poor--
[static crackling]
- Death--part.
- Death do us part.
- Joseph, repeat--
[indistinct radio chatter]
- Shit.
- Let me listen.
Let me listen.
- Deep drive!
It could go--
[thunder booms]
A home run!
A home run over the deepest part of left center field.
- You're a fucking moron.
How could you forget something like that?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
You don't know?
I saw him give you the batteries.
- I got confused, man.
I-I thought I changed them out.
- You got confused?
That's his golden rule.
When in doubt, change 'em out.
- Damn it, Carm!
- All right, just take it easy.
- No, you fuckin' take it easy and get focused.
- I'm focused.
Maybe it's the headphones.
- It's not the--
- Brought to you by our friends at Conte Carpet.
For low, low prices and Quality--
C-O-N-T-E.
That is 555-CONTE.
- Don't give me this.
- Hey, Macaronis, let's go.
They're starting the intros.
- Hey, boss man.
What you working on in there?
HI8, MiniDV, High Definition?
- Not now, okay, pal?
- Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege
to introduce to you for the first time as husband and wife.
Please make some noise
for the new Mr. And Mrs. Joseph and Pam Pitalko.
- Good, watch the mic.
Get the boom out.
- We just got to tell him, man.
- No, man.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- Okay, you two.
Look up at the camera.
That's good.
- It's an honest mistake, Carm.
He'll understand.
- Listen to me, man.
It's just a few lines.
I think I can fix it.
- Carm, it's their vows.
It's the most important part, all right?
I'm gonna tell him. - All right, you do that,
You can kiss her sweet ass good-bye.
- All right, ladies and gentlemen,
at this point in time,
we'd like to ask everyone to please--
- Let me just ask you this, okay?
One question.
Have I ever, ever let you down?
- What are you talking about?
It's two days in a row with you.
- Yeah, but when it came time to step it up,
did I not step it up?
- No, Carm, I know you're just gonna make things worse.
- How could it be any worse, man?
- We got five minutes of play-by-play
Where the frickin' vows should be.
[man laughs]
- Excuse me?
- Nothin'.
- No, no, I thought I heard something.
I just wanted to know.
- I didn't say nothing, buddy.
- You didn't say nothin'? 'Cause I--
[dishes clattering]
- Don't talk to him like that.
- What are you, his bodyguard?
- Hey, hey, hey.
You don't talk to him like that.
- This is my kitchen, so get the hell out of here.
- Oh, yeah, you own this place?
Huh, comrade?
- Comrade?
- Why don't you back the fuck off
and let me have a conversation with my brother, okay?
You got a lot of shit here to do, don't you?
- You don't point the finger at me.
- I don't point the finger at you?
I'll point wherever the fuck I want.
- Carm, don't.
- I point wherever the fuck I want.
- You want some-- some Portuguese love?
- Yes.
Right fuckin' here and right fuckin' now.
Where's that Portuguese fuckin' love?
I'll kill you!
- Come on!
I'll fucking kill him!
- I'll point off your fucking head!
- Back off, back off.
- I'll fuckin' whip a dirty Sanchez on your ass.
You want a dirty Sanchez, you motherfucker?
- Oh!
- Ow.
Did you see? He grabbed my finger.
He almost pricked my finger off.
- Look at me. - Where the fuck were you?
- Look at me.
Look at me.
You're killing me with the sound, with the girl.
You're killing me here.
- No, no, no, you don't blame this--the girl on me.
You don't blame the girl on me.
She's totally into you.
- Will you stop with that?
- No, no, no, she came up to me before,
and she was asking if you were single,
you were married, divorced.
- Divorced?
She thinks I'm divorced.
- No, man, I told her
you're playing the field, you know?
- What?
- No, like, in a good way,
like you're getting a lot of offers and shit.
- Mind your business.
- Oh, man.
Just--just give me--
just give me a few hours, please, okay?
I can fix this.
I can do this.
Please?
I can do this.
Please.
- A few hours. - Yes.
Till, like, dinner.
- Till dinner? - Yeah.
- Okay, and then you'll stop whether it's fixed or not?
- Promise.
You want me to sign another cocktail napkin?
I'll sign a cocktail napkin for you.
- Where's the damn latch?
- Hey.
There they are, folks,
for the first time ever as husband and wife.
- Come on, guy, what do you want now?
- It seems like yesterday
You and Paul were running around the backyard,
and now you're all grown up with such a beautiful bride.
Congratulations. - That's good.
Take the microphone out, cut.
Where the hell is he?
What, he fall in?
- Lou, he said something about the shrimp cocktail.
- I had the shrimp cocktail.
There's nothing wrong with the shrimp--
We're gonna have to do what they call a take two on this.
You've heard that term, haven't you?
- Oh, it's no big deal.
It's just a little postgame report,
part of the standard package.
I hope you don't mind.
You don't mind, do you?
- I do, actually.
- I'm sorry, you what?
- I do.
- Can you hold that for a second?
- Wait a minute, smooth.
All right, wait, wait, all right.
Cut, cut.
How many times do we have to do this thing?
- Sorry, Lou, I don't have enough hands.
- Yeah, well, now you know why I hired two of you bozos.
- Pig in a blanket?
- Hey, Trixie, I'll take those.
- So what's with your brother?
- What? What's going on?
- He just locked me out of the bridal suite,
and I've got all my gear in there.
- Now, Pamela, Pam,
can I call you Pam?
- Yeah, sure.
- You doing good?
You feeling all right?
- Yeah, this is kind of fun.
- I know.
You're doing really good.
- You think so?
- You want to help us record sound for a little bit?
Unless it would get you in trouble.
- Yeah, no, no, no, it's cool.
She's got a real big spot for that maitre d'.
- You're very attractive.
You're like a wild cat.
I want to tame you.
- I'm untamable.
- No, everybody's tamable.
- You gonna scratch me up with that mustache?
- Ooh.
- Okay, all right.
Come on.
I want to get that ice sculpture before it melts.
- Roger that, Lou.
- At the end of the ceremony,
there was a moment there, you got a little emotional,
you know, you got a little...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I was cryin'.
- Yeah.
What exactly was that moment in the ceremony,
you know, the part where--
what was the specific line?
- The line?
- Yeah, that really, you know, moved you.
You put yourself in that place right now for me?
- Sure, okay.
I will cherish and honor you...
all the days of my life.
- Holy shit.
- I'm sorry, I'm crying.
Joe.
- You better watch out.
I'm gonna marry her.
[laughter]
- Sorry.
- No, I'm gonna marry you.
- Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in time,
we're gonna slow things down a bit.
We'd like to invite all the couples out here
onto the dance floor.
- And now swing over this way.
Okay, now check the lights.
No shadows, watch the shadows, good.
- We love you, Pamela!
- You get that?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Good, good, good.
- Hey, father, how you doing?
I was hoping to get, like,
a little bit of interview with you.
- Just do me a favor.
It's just I'm not a big fan of the spotlight.
- So I was thinking about what you said last night
about starting your own business,
going out on your own.
- It's still a long way off.
- Well, maybe not, you know, if you partner up with somebody,
split the overhead and the startup costs.
- Perhaps just something,
a quick quote from something you said on the altar maybe.
- Here, Lorraine, you're the big talker.
You take the microphone.
- Hey, Joe, I just want to tell you--
- Whoo, you're fuckin' awesome, man!
- Get that--watch the wire.
- Listen, if it's money you're worried about,
I can help out.
I have excellent credit.
- I appreciate the offer, Anthony, really I do.
But to take a Gamble like that at this point,
it's just not possible.
Three o'clock, Lou, you got waterworks.
- What? - Three o'clock.
- Why not?
What, you have kids to support or something?
- Hey, where's the bride?
- Right behind you, Lou.
[cheering and laughter]
- In nomine patris et filii et spritus sancti.
Amen.
- So what do you think, man?
- It's not even close.
- Oh, come on, man, give me a shot at that.
Let me try it again.
- No, we agreed until dinner, and now that's it.
You guys are done.
- What are you talking about?
Listen, they just served the salad.
- Which happens to be the first course.
- No, the clam chowder is the first course.
Am I right, "T"?
- Technically a salad's considered an appetizer
when followed by soup, pasta, or risotto.
- Carm, Carm, I don't care.
You're finished, okay?
- You call yourself family?
- I'm--I'm gonna--
- Listen, come on, don't get on him.
He's the only one who's helping me out here.
He's a frickin' whiz with this shit.
- Well, I took a couple of community ed classes
Back at home.
- Oh, you did?
You took a couple-- - Okay, okay.
Into my office, big guy.
- Now, tell me exactly what she said to you.
- No, I don't-- I don't want to talk about it.
- I'm not lying to you, man, all right?
She told me--she asked me all these things about you.
Now, I don't know whether she was just shooting the shit
or she was interested
or she's got a cute sister or what.
You know, I don't know.
And--and that's the point, man.
Neither will you if you don't just go out there
and fuckin' do something about it, man.
- You want me to start dubbing this in, chief?
- Yes, yes, do that, do that.
Hey.
I'm gonna put this in my best man speech to you, man.
This, you and me right here, right now,
when you walked in here and you were all upset
and you wanted to throw everything away.
You wanted to give everything up,
and then you realized that this chick,
she may be the best thing that ever happened to you,
and if you didn't just say, "fuck it"--
and I promise I won't curse in your speech--
and go out there and do something about it,
you may regret this for the rest of your life.
Look at you.
You told me that you had a connection with her, right?
You said that.
Crazier things have happened.
Unless, you know what?
I'll go out there.
I'll tell "T" let's forget everything.
And I'll go--I'll cover Lou.
- No, no, no.
Just hurry up, all right?
- All right?
All right.
Look at this face.
Go get 'em, tiger.
He's dead in the water.
- Can I get the--
let me get that thing.
Yeah, just give me-- yeah, give me the whole thing.
- Whoops.
- Oh, no, oh, whoa.
- Jack, neat, please.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
thanks for joining us out here on the dance floor.
We'd like to ask everyone to please find their seats.
In just a few moments,
we're gonna get ready for some Greek dancing.
- Listen, Lou, I got to go.
I got to shoot this. - Huh?
- I got to shoot this, all right?
- Ah, that's grand, thanks.
Thanks very much.
Could I have another--
- Hey, Father.
How you doing?
- Sorry, laddie.
I-I didn't mean to get you in trouble before.
- Oh, roger that, Padre.
It's actually not even about that.
I'm having, like, sort of, like, personal issues.
- All right, give me a minute here.
- Hey.
Macaroni, get your lazy ass--
- There's no more of this?
Is there any more in there?
It's all gone?
- After, after, after.
- You know, you told me we were going to your office.
- Yeah, this is my office.
Ooh, the hair.
Easy with the hair.
One thing, you know.
- Hey.
- Hey, where'd you run off to?
- Had to powder my nose.
- Oh, should have told Lou.
He's flippin' a lid out there.
- Yeah, I realize that,
But I wanted to talk to you, so...
- Oh, uh, can we walk and talk?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- And then the wife, she's sick.
She's in the hospital,
hospital bills piling up.
I'm--I'm really strongly considering the "D" word.
- Son, you made a commitment, did you not?
- Yeah, I know, I know.
And I keep thinking back to my wedding, you know?
I keep on thinking back to the vows that I took, you know?
- The vows, yes. - Yeah.
- They can guide you in times like this.
- Cheese and crackers.
- If only I can remember them, I--
- Son, you made a promise to god for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
- And then that's till...
- Till death do you part.
- Holy Jesus Christ.
Holy shit.
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.
- Anthony, I have to go shoot.
- I know, I know, I know.
But answer me this one question, one question, and be honest.
Last night...
Did you feel for one moment that there was something?
- All right, ladies and gentlemen,
at this point in time,
we need to get all the single ladies out here.
- I got to go shoot this, I'm sorry.
- Great job, Hollywood.
God, you're like a secret agent.
- You got it, right? - Yeah.
- Does this come off?
Let me see that chest.
- Oh, fuck.
- All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we're gonna kick it into gear.
I need everybody to put their hands together.
- So this conversation is over?
- I got to get back to work.
- Come on, please.
Please.
- I will cherish--
- Better or for worse. - And honor you.
- It's like a fuckin' Kung Fu movie.
- Relax, Hollywood, it's just a sync issue.
I'm just gonna slip around a bit.
- You say that one more time,
I'm gonna strangle you with your hat.
- I'd rather you didn't.
It's part of the uniform.
[moaning]
- Hey, Joe, Joe, have you seen my new guys around here?
- Yeah, they're inside bugging the priest.
- The priest? - Right in the bar.
- The bar. - Five minutes, guys.
Let's go, Rapido.
- I'll beg.
I'll beg right now.
- No, no.
Please get up.
[moaning]
- I do.
- Dance with me. - No.
- Just once.
[moaning]
- Oops.
- What, what oops? - Nothing.
- What are you talking about?
Something ooped here.
[thunder crashes]
- Last I saw, he was running off to the lavatory
like he was about to burst.
- You hit record?
- I thought it was the audio dub.
- Oh, man, you erased the original tape.
- Macaroni!
- Anthony, you're amazing.
There's so many girls out here.
They're single.
- Kiss me.
- Come on! Yeah!
Come on! Yeah!
Fuck yeah!
- I just--I can't, I can't.
[moaning]
- What? What?
What's wrong?
[moaning]
- I'm engaged.
- What's up, Lou?
How you doing?
- [screaming]
- Wish you would've helped me out
with that fuckin' Lou Burns.
I was taking a lot of body shots.
- Well, you brought it on yourself.
- I think I broke my nose.
Is it swollen?
Dude, dude!
Ant!
Come on, man!
Anthony, don't be like this, man.
Screw Lou Burns, man.
Screw him.
Screw Luis.
I bet there's a ton of video guys
Dying to snatch us up.
Anthony.
Whoa, what are you doing, man?
What are you doing?
Hey!
Ow!
Don't throw my frickin' led zeppelin bootleg!
You're out of my will. You understand me?
You're out of my will.
God!
Fuckin' shit!
Ant, this is yours, Ant.
[telephone rings]
You've reached Marconi Video.
Carmine is not here right now, but Anthony is
and his big dick.
[cackling]
[electronic beep]
- Hey, Anthony, it's Lauren.
Last night, I'm sorry for what happened.
It just went a little too far, and the truth is,
I'm getting married in three weeks,
and I got really confused when I met you,
'cause you're great.
But, um, I'm getting married.
So I'm really sorry, and--
Oh, and, you know, by the way, Carmine totally lied to you.
I-I never asked if you were married.
I just wanted you to know that.
Okay, bye.
[bell dings]
- Hey, how about a few words to the bride and groom?
- Hey, come on.
- What's the matter?
- All right, I'm not in the mood.
- You and Ant have got 58 yards of the pindot going to Shoreham.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean "me and Ant"?
- Carpet's in his blood.
- You want to go out with Anthony today,
go work with Anthony today?
- No way I'm working with that guy, are you crazy?
After what he said? - I'll give you 50 bucks here.
This is bullshit.
- It's okay.
This is gonna be interesting.
- I'm not putting up with your shit today, Carmine.
- You're not putting up with my shit today?
What, you want to go?
- You want to step into my office?
- You want to go a couple rounds?
- No biting.
[grunting]
- Come here!
You like that, huh?
You like that?
Ow!
[grunting]
Oh, you fucking bastard!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Get off me.
- You get off of me, man.
- No, you get off of me.
- You're hurting my neck.
[laughter]
Your mother.
- Nice.
Good one.
[laughter]
- Your mother.
[laughter]
- All right.
- You're a schmuck.
- Okay, let go of me.
Ow.
Dude, what the hell are we doing here, man?
What the hell are we doing back here?
What are we doing here?
[laughs]
We're two smart guys, right?
I mean--
- Yeah, that's half true.
- We got to do--
We got to go out,
start our own video business, you know?
Fuck this shit.
- Yeah?
- Do it like grandpa did it, man.
Go out on our own.
- Well, after last night, who's gonna hire us?
- I can think of somebody.
- No. - Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No. - Yeah.
- No! - Yeah!
- There she goes.
There she goes.
- Oh, boy, here they come.
- It's your day, sweetie, it's your day.
- That's right.
- What is that, a Betamax?
- Hey, this was top of the line in its day.
- Yeah, looks good.
You got the sound all worked out, Carmine?
- We got the sound.
- You can hear me?
- One more big smile right here.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
- Blow a kiss for Stephen.
For Stephen.
- I'm not blowing a kiss to Stephen.
- Can you blow a kiss?
Yes.
- Oh, sweetie, lipstick.
- Lipstick, teeth.
- Yeah, she's got lipstick all over her face.
Good catch. - Yeah.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
It's a little much.
- No, it's great.
You're fine. - Mm-hmm.
- You're more than fine; you're beautiful.
- Thank you.
- I wouldn't mind shooting you.
- I wouldn't mind being shot.
- Really, you should--you should sit for me some time.
I'm doing a whole series of naked hairy men.
- Thanks for this.
- Yeah.
- You nervous? - Yeah.
- That's okay.
- I'm terrified.
- You'll be fine. - Yeah, I know.
- Hi. - Hi.
What's your name?
- Deedle Deedle Dee.
Deedle Deedle Dee.
Deedle Deedle Deedle.
- Would you stop screwing around?
Please stop screwing around.
- Test.
Test, test. - That's better.
Stop walking back and forth and move back a little further.
- Testing, testing.
How's this now? Can you hear me now?
- Uh, this is Anthony the videographer.
- Yeah, hi.
- That Anthony?
- Okay, Anthony, this is the inas.
That's Tina. - Hi.
- Gina, Nina.
And this is my sister Liz.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- She's single. - Shut up.
- It's--this is officially the business.
- Good, wonderful, keep going back.
- Can you hear me now?
- I can-- yes, can you hear me now?
- Yes. - Shut up.
Move back.
- Listen, cowboy, I think you're being overly cautious here.
We've got this thing.
- How many times I got to tell you, "T,"
there are no take twos in this business, okay?
You screw up, you die.
That's it.
- Okay, that's fine.
I think they're about to get things started on the inside.
- What?
- It starts.
- Oh, crap.
- My father was supportive
and said as long as we shoot him a commercial,
he'd buy us the cameras.
Please, I don't mind at all.
Thanks.
[knocks on window]
Hi, Carmine, these are the Inas.
- Hi.
I heard there was a wedding some time today.
- Mm.
I heard that too.
This is great stuff.
Nice meeting you.
- We're T-minus five here,
I got to pull you out of an orgy?
- Carm, give me a break.
I was booking work in there.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, half these chicks are getting married
in the next few months,
and you know who they want to hire?
- You get a quote?
- Hi.
Don't forget you owe me a dance.
- I won't. - Okay.
- Come on now. - Very good.
- Boys, come on, come on.
They're starting, man. Let's go.
- Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Come on, come on.
You know what I'm thinking?
Screw these churches.
Let's hit up the synagogues,
get some of that Bar Mitzvah action going.
- Bar Mitzvahs, are you serious?
- Yeah, "T" was telling me
They're throwing 50, 60 grand a pop down on these things.
- That's crazy.
It's like a birthday party for a 13-year-old.
- I know, it's ridiculous.
I got to get a pair of stilts.
- Are we on?
[clucking]
You're all about flipper.
[dolphin sounds]
- Hello?
Hello?
You guys are married.
Can you see me?
- Two words of advice for Chris.
Two famous words to say to get everything right in a marriage:
Yes, dear.
- I just wanted to thank you
for letting me be a part of your wedding,
and I had a great time, and I love both you guys.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
- There are three things I'm very proud of you, Chris.
One, that you didn't become a fag fireman.
You've become a real cop,
a man's man, a cop's cop, and a woman's delight.
- # ba bada ba ba ba ba #
# ba bada ba ba ba #
# ba bada ba ba ba ba #
# ba bada ba ba ba #
B-A-U-S-E-I-S-D-E-R!
Bauser!
To bauser, you kid.
- Listen, man, big day for you.
Big, big, big day.
So proud of you.
Wonderful event.
Everything from the jumbo shrimp down to the Heineken.
You didn't miss a beep.
- This is Joey.
Watch out for this guy.
You guys got this happy thing going on.
Don't be like him.
Not that he's a bad guy.
He's a marvelous guy.
It is a legend.
And you guys are gonna be a legend.
Why? 'Cause we love them.
Whoo-hoo!
- Right here my friend Sal.
Sal, come on over here.
I-I love this man.
The man's got mozzarella coming out of his ears.
- I just want to say I had a great time tonight,
even though my hair is in absolute disarray.
It's not gonna bother me, though.
You guys have-- you guys are the best.
And I wish you nothing but the best.
- Congratulations.
I wish you the best of luck.
All the happiness in the world.
Weren't they great at the wedding?
Yes, they were awesome.
Okay.
- # one act of kindness #
# that's the beauty of friends #
# through time #
# and our sentiment #
# the doors to lasting special light, my friend #
# light #
- A toast to bau.
Roses are red, violets are bluish.
If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.
- I'd like to say you're a cute couple.
But I can't, because you're so goddamn ugly, Chris.
- You know what?
Don't even.
Put it down.
- Don't even.
- Uh, I think you guys are gonna do well,
And god bless yous.
Have plenty of kids.
Keep the cash flowin', because you're gonna need it,
and, uh...
Hey, happy times and happy trails, you know.
I'll see you around, 'cause I'm your brother.
Hey, hey.
Subtitles by LeapinLar